The highs and The lows of Cloe

Hello!
I thought i'd write because i've neglected my blog the last few weeks partly because i've been so busy with college, work and just general stuff.
I got a job about 7 weeks ago i was really enjoying it and finally getting into a routine, 5 days of college 2 days of work, but then on sunday i got sacked; because i'm not quick enough and i'm too inexperienced, the boss has realised that after 7 weeks.... gosh get a grip, i personally thought i'd being doing really well, well she didn't tell me otherwise until i got the sack... still i've got a new job now so hey. I'm a cleaner now just on a sunday so i can spend all weekend with my dad, catching up on college work and actually sitting down to read a good book.
College..... is going great, i'm even starting to enjoy maths, i've made a few more new friends which is really nice as well, except i haven't  been to any ace parties yet.... god i haven't been to a party for ages. I am really enjoying college, its the best decision i've made yet everythings good about it and i am fully motivated though the last few weeks have been tiring but now i have cut my work hours down i'll be as right a rain in no time. I've had so much to think about recently, and i have really realised whats important  to me and whats not important to me. I'm very adamant that i don't want kids, i've always said the  same thing but i'm now even more adamant, i don't want to be tied down, i don't even one marriage i just want a little apartment in London so that i can just write all the time either; working for a newspaper or doing freelance Journalism, both appeal to me. Then there's story writing my biggest ambition is to publish my autobiography, i don't care what people think because i will make it happen.
I've been thinking alot about Uni, it's something i really want to more than ever, i'm thinking down south maybe, there's more donw there and i think i'd have more chance of building up my portfolio and getting work published.
I have now been "living" in hull for 3 months, i think i've got about 18 months left and then i can live at home for a couple of months then uni, i'm just guessing its probably more than that knowing my luck. I like Hull but i love my dad so much that somedays i just want him and i feel sad all day but then i realise why i'm at college and i know that Journalism is what i wanyt, more than anything.

I must go now

Hi people,
I thought i'd write cos i feel a bit upset today.
My bestest friend is coming up from where she lives the only bad thing about that is that i'm not in the village she's going to, she's only staying for a bit then going back down but then i'm seeing her in 2 weeks, i'm just really missing her, she's my best friend and all i want to do is to see her and to talk to her about everything thats being happening, that was just what we did and we loved it.
Its nearly christmas and i'm at a loss as to what to get her, i mean how will i get it to her, last christmas we gave each other lots of different presents and we met at her house, with the fire on and then lights on, and we decorated her little christmas tree together. I just miss her sooo much.
Its nearly halloween too, last halloween i went round to her house and we had trick treat people coming and they were like knocking every 10 minutes, i kept saying don't answer, but we both knew our time was so precious to us both. I'm happy i really am, just knowing that she's happy brightens my day up, its just hard when we don't see each other much. We went from seeing each other 4/5 days a week to seeing each other every couple of months. Now i'm remembering everything and its making me feel worse. I know i shouldn't be but when someone means so much and you don't see them it hurts really bad.
I'm tired too, i haven't had a break in 2 weeks cos now i work on saturday and sunday so its a long week, still this week and next week then its half term woo! Seeing my bestest friend then though so that is better and great cos i can't wait to see her, i'll buy her some flowers and give her them and i'll surprise her. Aww its hard but i am okay really.
Kisses
Cloe

Hi all.
I've being a student for a month now. Its' being a while since i posted so i thouhg that whilst i had some free time i'd write.
Things have changed since the last time i wrote; i've now got a job, working in a cafe on a saturday and sunday, must say that it really tires me out but it pays for my treats, clothes, christmas presents, birthday presents, college stuff and things all like that.
Was missing my dad like mad yesterday was all ready to give up but now i'm with him i realise it doesn't matter where i am he'll always be my dad.
I'm now feeling really happy and positive, i must admit i read my blogs earlier as was so impressed by my maturity.
College is going really well, on monday i did and essay on the 180 degree rule for media, it was sooo hard and i thought i'd gone wrong and i said to myself that i really was too thick for alevels, i got it back yesterday and though hang on i'm doing fine.
My favourite subject is sociology.
I've being missing my best friend this week sooo much that at points i could of cried, she's the bestest friend in my life and i'd literally do anything for her. We are so close and i told her everything that not been able to see her to tell hurts really bad but today i'm kinda ok cos i'm seeing her in a few weeks and i'm proper excited.
Life is actually really quite good, i LOVE my dad to bits.
I best go
xxxxx
PS. Hope you can read the writing lol.

Todays just being another day..... or has it? Wouldn't you like to know!
Well about a week ago i noticed a rather sexy italian in one of my taster lessons, actually it was 2 weeks ago but hey it doesn't matter. Well today i told my friend that i fancied him, then i went up to him and was talking to him. He's really really really nice, he looks so yummy, but he holds good conversation just like me and he's really interesting to talk to. I'd love to ask him out but i don't know if he feels the same way and also what the hell would he see in me? I'm not very pretty and i'll certainly never win the miss world competition. He's so nice looking though. He's 19, the perfect age for me i guess, and he's just sooo nice, please god..... please let him like me too [ i don't even believe in all that twoddle but i'll try anything to get him to like me the same way! Still i'll talk to him some more tomorrow, maybe not tomorrow cos i've got the morning of crummy maths, aren't i the lucky one, i've not done all my homework either because there was ones i couldn't do cos i'm not very bright, but yeah i'll talk to him either tomorrow or wednesday, he's gorgeous.
 Anyway i best go!
Hope i've given you all something good to read!

Okay so when i was little i thought everything was perfect. I thought that those big men with flash cars just woke up one day and woke up with a big mercedes in their drive and the keys hung perfectly on the key chain. I thought those that seemed happily in love were happily in love but what we see is what we get and what we don't get is a whole new story. I thought that families stayed together; the 2 children and the 2 parents. I thought that those people who had big houses just woke up one morning and owned them. I thought those people who got good grades were just the "lucky" ones.  If someone had told me that at 16 i'd have gone through all what i have i'd have just laughed in their face.
Life isn't down to luck, where does luck come into it i ask myself, and still i never have found an answer.
I got my good grades for GCSES..... why? because i worked, i worked until my eyes couldn't keep up right, i worked until i was so exhausted all i could do was cry and lastily i tried the best i ever have. As a child everything seems so simple; you fall in love with a man, you get married to him, you buy a nice big house, you have 2 children, you get a pet dog, you go on nice luxury holidays, the children grow up and then you have this peaceful time with just you and your husband. So simple, so lovely, so nice eh. As a child i imagined that of my life, i imagined coming home at 16 and having them silly arguments with my mum about my choice of clothes or music...... i've never had any of that.
Everything we get out of life is because of  what it means to us = the more something means to us the more we get out because we're willing to put more in, call it an investment.
When i was 9 all my dreams and simplicity of life just went, i developed a very strong view, adult mind and gone were them dreams of having a nice big house and one day getting married because in reality all that doesn't happen, though i'd love it to.
I've learnt the past few weeks that really i could do anything with my life, i have the power to be who i want to be and if i want to do something i WILL do it. I'm determinded and a proud person and i'm proud of that.
Anyway thats the last of my erm....... dreamy/silly talk.

Well the past week hasn't been easy but then who said anything about life been easy.
Last monday [3rd september 2007] i became a student at Hull College. The first week flew by really, well bits went slow because it was the induction week but this weeks been good.
Its been really hard though i have really really really really missed my dad like so much words can't describe. Last weekend i was supposed to be spending the weekend on my own but because i'm a wimp i only managed thursday night, how i managed to get to sleep when i was scared at being along is beyond me but i did and i managed to get up for college too. Last friday was good but i revealed a part of my past to a new friend and i like this new friend, felt i could trust her and was pleased to have found a new friend but i didn't want to tell her anything its not something i like to do because its not that what matters anymore its my life and i don't want my past involved.
This week though on a better note has been better, though tuesday wasn't a good day, my homesickness was worse than ever, i was just missing my dad soo much but he came to see me to make sure i was ok. I can deal with spending weekends apart from him, and i can cope with not seeing him for 3 weeks at a time but not knowing when i'm going to see him again is painful though that wasn't really what made it so bad on tuesday. You see unlike many teenagers i know they don't get on with their parents/parent the way i do and so i find it very difficult because he means the world. See my Dad isn't just my dad he's my best friend, i could go to him in any position; upset, hurt, angry, scared and in trouble and he'd still be there and thats why i love him, see it took a bad thing in my life to make me realise how much i love the people i call my family and i would do anything for them.
So life as a student...... is wondeful. Okay it involves getting off my lazy arse and working but i know its worth it. The only thing i fully hate is my maths resit [ yeah i was mad enough to resit it, not because i want to, not because i like it because i want more options when i come to pick my universitys.] All i need now to fit into my wonderful little life is a man..... someone to kiss in the rain with, someone to confide in and someone to have fun with. But if i don't get a boyfriend then fine i'll throw myself into work and then get my A's and B's either way i will but i can do more work if i don't have any of that. I'm off now though as i am rather tired.

Yesterday i started college and on sunday i moved into my grandparents and into the city! I must admit thats its day 3 of been a city girl and day 2 of been a student at last i am happy and its the best thing i've ever done. If i could have done it sooner i would definatly have done just that. I have soo much freedom which i love so much. I have registered at the local library also another great thing to do as i can check my emails in the library and send a good long email to friends and various people that i just email daily. Its so nice to be able to these nice things.
College is ace  i love it that no one knows anything about me and its just good to have a laugh with people. Proper teaching doesn't start till next week so i am looking forward to monday because i just want to get on with it. In many ways i must be mad to commit myself to 4 subjects knowing that i have to do 4 hours homework of each..... oh the joys, we all know what i'm doing for the next er..... 2 years of my life, but if it gets me to my dream that is all i want in the world; to get my dream and to prove them "dogooders" wrong. I LOVE living in the city it is the best decision i've ever made though i have to admit i miss my dad soo much, i love him with all my heart so knowing that when i get home he won't be tehre is hard but if  really want to go to portsmouth uni then i'll hardly ever see him so i'll have got use to it by then.
For the first time in like 4 months i'm finally happy and content well i would say that its only day 2 into college, i bet i won't be saying the same when i've got homework every night and i've revision and a mountain of essays to do! Hah well i won't give up i want to be a journalist more than anything; more than i want a man, more than i want kids.
Anyway its a shame i couldn't have written a long essay hah i mean blog but i'm meeting a friend for coffee [aren't i all grown up now!!!!!!] it doesn't seem that long ago i was holding my mums hand walking to school mind you t hat was 7 years ago. The past 10 weeks of been off i thought oh i wish i was a kid again now i ask myself [WHY?] Because i'm having so much been 16 and i can't wait to be 17, and no i'm not wishing my life away i have no need now i just want to get my B's [ i'm aiming for no lower] so i can go to Uni of my choice and get my degree - and i'm saying all this and i'm only on day 2 of college, still we have to have dreams to get us through the rubbish that life often throws at us!
Still i really must go and meet this friend, i don't want to miss her and plus i need the toilet desperatly [i'm sure you'll all sleep better now you know that hah!]

Best wishers to all my readers [ though you're probably asleep now from all the boredom]

Cloe

10 weeks ago when i walked out of the school doors after my final exam the first thoughts in my head was "everythings changed now"  and "I'm finally free" I had so many plans for my 10/11 weeks off; see family, hang out with friends, go shopping, relax, get a summer job, save money and just do things. I'm now onto my final week i've been shopping and i've relaxed. Hang out with friends? Get real..... i've realised this past 10 weeks i hardly have any friends, friends that are well and truly bothered how i am and what my plans are. I've hardly being out since my best friend got married which was an event that marked my summer holidays and changed everything really. 
Up until my best friend got married in June all i ever did was go out, i'd go to her house for a chat and i'd do that most nights and if i didn't i'd be out at the local youth club and whilst exams were coming up i was sat at home revising. When i was at school i thought yeah another few weeks i won't have to come back and i'll just be able to do what i want and i remember thinking; summer is going to be perfect. 
Well i'm now on my final week, i've had 10 weeks off and i've hardly done a thing. I've learnt so much about who i am though, seen things in me that i like and bits that i don't like but overall i've had a good long while to think about what i want. 
I have enjoyed the holidays but i haven't done a lot really and i did mean to.
Ever since my best friend left  things have been up and down but i'm okay about all that now because well on sunday i'm fleeing the family nest and going to my grandparents so that i can go to college.
When i got my results i wasn't overly pleased because i wanted to have really good grades but now i'm kind of accepting them. 
10 weeks ago i  thought leaving school and getting results would change everything; it hasn't changed anything. I'm still the smae person i was 10 weeks ago, maybe more mature as i have had time to reflect and think about who i am over the last 10 weeks. 
The 10 weeks have brought alot of happiness but very much sadness; realising my best friend would be 250 miles away and realising that i am now in the big wide world. I've also realised the friends i have/had at school are just class room associates, just people i saw every school day for 5 years and who i said bye to everyday at 3.20pm; i am very similar to them and i have finally realised that i have been through stuff but i'm just like them in many ways and thats how i want it. For many years after my Mum i felt i had to be different, how could i be like them after what i'd been through? In many ways i wouldn't let myself be like them because i didn't feel i could, i was so different from them but now i've realised that really was me just putting the walls up and i'm going to stop that.
I start college a week tomorrow, i genuinly can't wait. I'm intrigued by no one knowing me and going up to people and saying hello and making new friends; 2 years ago i'd never have had the confidence to do that but now i'd never say no to doing it. 
This holiday has been very much hard too as i've felt my old insecurites coming back but i realise that i have had way too much time on my hands. 
Now is the time for me to do silly things and just laugh; i don't want the sadness, the upset and the miserable me that i have been for so many weeks now.
Yeah i do miss my best friend but we text each other everyday so we really will always be in touch; i couldn'tr ask for a better friend and i'm so glad i got the chance to meet her and have a friendship with her, its something i'll cherish until the day i die.

On thursday when i first got my results i was like fully peed off because i thought they were crap even though i have 9 A-C. The reason for my lack of happiness at my results is because without my Media i'd be fucked which kinda makes me feel really thick. Ideally i'd have liked all C's but coming from someone who:
Hates and can't do maths
Hate Science and again can't do it
Hates Geography and again can't do it
Is it any wonder i didn't get all passes?
I got my B in English and my Merit in Media which is all i ever wanted at the end of the day but i'm still not happy and i don't know why.
I've just been thinking about my old english teacher;
On thursday when it was results she was amazing, even more amazing that she is anyway. She was stood with me when i was opening my results when i looked at my B i was like oh is that it and she just said to me "Cloe i've been ecstatic waiting for you to open these results"  and then she said "Cloe i wore this specially for you" She has this lovely flowery necklase that i love and always tell her to wear, she wore it for me and i was honoured. She was my favourite teacher - by far, always interested in what i had to say, listening to me, encouraging me. Before the English exam i went and told her i wanted to do foundation she couldn't shout at me cos we were in the crush hall near the other exams but i could tell by her facial expression she was not a happy bunny, because i was her star student and she wanted the best for me. Other teachers said things but my english teacher was always my favourite.
Thinking back to thursday makes me realise how much i miss school, not the routine, nor the place, the many people, so why am i leaving? I want to go to college to explore different people, different situations and stand on my own two feet but i'm all out of my comfort zone. I'm faced with talking to new people and not knowing anyone and that really really excites me but in many ways its a bit scary.
With my results i feel like i've cheated; okay i've got 9 A-C but 7 Of them are from diplomas Media [worth 4] and ict [worth 3] and that makes me feel like i don't deserve the good results because when other people have 9 A-C they have them because they worked for their exams were as i had months to get my coursework altered and to the best it could be. I knowi 'm been really stupid which is nothing new.

xxxxxxx

I'm disappointed that my mum isn't here to see my results and i'd just love to have a hug from my mum and knowing she's proud of me would actually make my day. I guess if my mums looking down on she'll be happy for me but i wish she was here.
xxx